It's weird. At the end of November, I actually spent a few days writing in a notebook, instead of writing draft posts. Writing here stopped feeling safe. A couple of people from Real Life made it clear that they (or others they know well) read this space, and I suddenly felt frightened to post on here, in case someone pulled me up on it.
But I decided that I prefer shouting into the void to writing in a notebook. And people who know me in real life and who aren't close friends, well, they can peek into my mind all they like. It's the burden of writing things on the Internet, I suppose. I'm just going to continue on as if I have no idea that anyone I know actually reads these words.
Mama came to visit at the weekend. And as she was leaving, she said "I hope you'll be okay". I asked her "Have I given you reason to believe I'm not okay?", and she kind of raised her eyebrows at me and said "I know you're getting there. But no, I don't believe you're completely okay just yet."
She was of course completely right, as mothers so frequently are.
I'm okay. Sort of. And equally, I'm very sort of Not Okay.
As we all do, I have good days and bad days. I have days on end when my mind screams at me, or I constantly see things I want to share with someone I can't share with. When my heart ACHES, and it feels like I'll never feel like myself again.
And other days, I feel whole, and well. I forget the various events of this year for hours at a time, I smile and laugh and sing and bake- that thing I haven't done for over a month while my heart knitted itself back together.
Because my heart is- more or less- knitted back together now. It's raw, and the wound has a tendency to open when I pull at its edges, but it's getting there. And yes, a chunk of it is missing. And yes, this was perhaps one wound too many for this year- a year which has seen SO much change and SO much heartache for me, and for many people near to me- but that's okay.
In so many ways, I'll consider 2015 an absolute write off. But perhaps I'll also look back on 2015 as a time when I finally stood 100% on my own two feet. When I cemented some of my strongest, truest friendships, and when I found that I love so so so hard. As a year I learned to put myself first, and a year when another strong, but wounded, person also put me first, when neither of us wanted that.
And maybe that's okay. Maybe those victories are enough.