Tuesday, 26 May 2015

Untitled

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Why is it so much easier to write about difficult feelings and tricky decisions than it is to write about happiness?

I'm unbearably happy at the moment. So much so, it makes me nervous, and I find myself saying to A "You aren't going to leave, are you?". I tried to push him away by being horrible once. He just gave me a cuddle and asked if I was okay. Proof, if I ever needed it, that he probably isn't going anywhere just yet.

I think it's also that reading about how happy people are is actually a little boring. We like tragedy. We like drama. We like the stories about men who don't call after a date, about kissing inappropriate married men, about friends who are no longer friends, about incestuous webs of friends who have all slept together or lived together (these are all conversations I've had in the last six months or so).

We don't like stories about the way he and I do the crossword on the tube home, or the stories about how I fall asleep on his shoulder when we're watching Eurovision, or how we spent Monday morning making avocado and poached eggs on toast. It's not interesting. It's twee.

So what do I write about?

I'm bored of reading blog posts about lipsticks and wishlists. I'm bored of posts about products that clearly wouldn't have chosen unless they were sent for free.

So it leaves me here. Posting once in a blue moon about nothing in particular. Other than to tell you that lately, I feel like I have really found my people. Those people I'd run to whether I was happy or sad or needed help or needed a laugh. Their initials are oddly alphabetical. A. B. B. C. C. C. D. E. J. M. Occasionally there's a G in there too, though often not. Some live close by. Some live far away. ALL make me hideously happy. I spend little time with people who make me feel anything less than phenomenal- I've had friendships in the past that have made me feel dreadful about myself, where I find myself constantly competing, comparing, and finding myself wanting. 

Is this it? Is this what happiness is? Feeling content, and peaceful, and generally smiling rather than feeling anxious and confused?

Of course, it's worth noting that there's an element of this that is a medicated happiness. That a huge part of me fears the fact that this is a medicated happiness. Is it real? Is it an illusion?

I like to think it's real. I suppose only time will tell.

And there was a five-month saga, that left me confused and battered and bruised.  That left me feeling baffled and happy and rejected and empowered and oh.so.guilty. Always guilty. I have to keep reminding myself that I genuinely did nothing wrong. I was always honest, never cruel. But regardless, it has now finally, absolutely been put to rest, and the weight that has been lifted from my shoulders as a result is palpable.

Anyway.

What do you want to talk about today?

8 comments:

  1. Hope I'm that J, s'all I'm saying :P xx

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  2. To hear someone say all these things, they ring so true. Thank you for writing.

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  3. Well, I think a story about you doing the crossword on the tube home is pretty cute :) I'm happy for your happiness. I know what you mean about it being a sort of scary place to be - I was thinking about that a lot this time last month: feeling both happy (like, waking up in the morning smiling kind of happy), but also afraid because it's such a delicate thing and I was so afraid of ruining it.

    Take each day as it comes, I say. Savour the moment. Soak it all up.

    ~Melissa

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  4. I LOVED this Alice! I often sit and wonder what the heck to wirte about: Do you really want to see another photo of my feet indifferent shoes? Another picture of my duvet cover? Or worse yet another sodding shot if the beautiful sky outside my skylight?!?

    I'm so very pleased you're happy - and i like hearing about your egg-adventures and stuff that you class as mundane because it's sort of a bit like my life, 'cos i'm pretty content right now too and that's a nice feeling in itself, once you settle into it and stop thinking it's too good to last ;) Us happy beans need to stick together you know xxxx

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  5. Well for what it's worth I would love to hear about your happiness and it's something that I tend to look for on blogs. Sure, it's probably not very glamorous but I love to hear what makes people smile and those sweet days to day occurrences that would otherwise be forgotten. Glad to hear you are happy and healthy x

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  6. I love this post Alice, but I have to disagree on one point... I actually like reading about the 'mundane' stuff (maybe because I like mundane stuff in my own life too), it makes everything more real to me, because it's so often the mundane stuff that makes life great.

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  7. I had better be one of those C's.

    (xxx)

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  8. I had better be one of those C's.

    (xxx)

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