I’ve decided I’m going to get my sparkle back.
It’s taken three days at work, multiple whatsapp conversations with Jenny and Charlotte, Ellie, and Charlotte, and a whole lot of Taylor Swift, but I’ve decided that I’m completely fed up with allowing others to bother me. It’s not that I’m going to become hard and callous and selfish- but rather, not let the things that are outside my circle of influence bother me. So that thing that has been leaving me feeling adrift and confused and pissed off? It no longer has my permission to make me feel that way. And all of a sudden- I genuinely don't feel like that. It's like magic.
I was texting A the other night, and mentioned that I had been in a bad mood earlier, and he asked why. Of course, readjusting back to London life always leaves me feeling a bit adrift- meaning that I fill up my time, leaving people wondering if I’m trying to run away from things- but really, I couldn’t precisely explain to him just what had left me feeling so off. But I was texting him after a two hour korfball session, and I realised I was feeling so completely like myself again, to the point that I was able to laugh at my silly mood earlier in the evening, and suddenly see basically everything that has been bothering me since before Christmas in a perfectly clear light. I kind of realised that there are very, very few things that can’t be diminished by tea, a good night’s sleep, and exercise. And if they fail, salt water- in the form of tears or the sea- will almost certainly help.
I’m being more me focused now. Last night was spent running and baking cupcakes as a practice run for my brother’s wedding favours. Tonight will be spent eating pizza and drinking wine with Charlotte- healthy January be damned. And I’m going to be happy and sparkly and no one is going to take that away from me. I’m far too super awesome to let things I can’t influence, and maybe don’t even want to influence, bother me. No regrets. No tears needed.