Sunday, 3 March 2013

Feeling Guilty

I have a terrible guilt complex.

I apologise for EVERYTHING. I apologise when someone walks into me, when someone else drops something, when I don't hear what you're saying, when I haven't said anything for longer than five minutes...

My ex once got me to make a "sorry jar". 5p for every unnecessary apology. Let me just say, I gave up pretty quickly because I realised it was going to bankrupt me within a week.

But I really struggle not to feel guilty about things, and I have no idea why

The other weekend, I actually said the words "I feel guilty for not doing any work" when a friend pulled out her uni books. I finished my degree already, I don't have any work to do!!! 

It's basically got to the point where guilt is my reflex reaction. For example:

Last week, I felt guilty for arriving at work half an hour later than normal, even though the traffic meant that I could do nothing about this, and I'd still arrived at an acceptable start time (they're very flexible).

I feel guilty about eating a chocolate bar, even though I'm a perfectly healthy weight and have a good balanced diet, and one chocolate bar isn't going to kill me.

I feel guilty for sharing too much. I feel guilty for not sharing enough.

Worst of all, I feel guilty when I do well. At the moment, I feel guilty for for actually having a job which required me to have a degree, and for actually enjoying that job. Which is utterly ridiculous, but when around me, some of my closest friends are struggling for these things, and I feel almost like I don't deserve them. 

That's a lie. I definitely feel like I don't deserve good things.

But then a part of me is like "Well I worked bloody hard to get to do what I'm doing, and yes there was some luck involved, but I've worked hard, and do work hard, and I should be enjoying this."

And then I feel guilty for thinking like that.

AAHHHHH. Do any of you have this?! Or any ideas of how to stop myself from feeling so guilty all the time? It's exhausting.

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