Wednesday, 7 October 2015

The Now

I found this here
Things feel like they have gently, simply, calmly, quietly slotted into place recently, and I've found myself thinking "Oh there you are. I've been waiting for you". 

It's funny, isn't it, how that happens?

I've had so many people trying to warn me off this feeling, though. Trying to tell me to take a step back, that I don't owe anyone anything, that I should take some time for myself

That isn't what I want though.

Time is a difficult thing, though. There's just constantly too little of it, too many other pressing demands- meetings and friends and theatre trips, and Brussels and individuals and groups who need attention.

I always say that if I had a superpower, I would want to be able to control time. To travel in it, to pause it, to replay certain wonderful wonderful moments ad nauseum. That power would be incredibly useful, don't you think?

I feel like I've found a moment in my life where I'm just really very... settled? Calm? Content, even? I'm not really sure what the word to describe this feeling is, but I'm enjoying it.

I'm enjoying the evenings in tartan pyjama bottoms and an extra-large charcoal grey cashmere jumpers. I'm enjoying the nights at the NHM, dressed in a short dress and high heels, red wine in hand and the most wonderful company at my elbow. I'm enjoying the days at work, where I get to show my worth, and impress all the right people, and silence the doubters. I'm enjoying the Sunday mornings in bed with hot drinks.

If I could pause a moment, I think it would be now. 

It would allow us to enjoy each other, enjoy The Now, to drink in the moment and these feelings and the fact that this is my favourite time of year. 

But instead, we march on. Time racing past, hurling us forwards, bringing us towards Whatever It Is That Comes Next.

Winter. Trips away. More meetings, more pressures on our time. 

But we'll meet it when it comes, and until then, we'll enjoy this moment. We'll think, and we'll breathe, and we'll face whatever it coming when it arrives.

Monday, 28 September 2015

A Moment

Original source unknown

Firelight. A chimnea burning bright with the logs we had chopped earlier in the evening, leaving our arms and shoulders aching.

Toasting with glasses of a wine which shares my name.

Nibbling on flatbreads cooked over a fire, sharing dip that neither of us could be trusted with if left alone.

A request, and a subsequent demand for this song so vehement it provoked laughter and accusations of bossiness. An easy smile as the first notes hit the air.

Turning my face to the stars. Breathing in the cool air.

Feeling arms wrap around me. Turning into the embrace.

And dancing. Dancing to the song I can't get out of my head, by starlight and firelight.

Wednesday, 23 September 2015

The Return

Image from here
As I left the house this morning, I realised I should have taken a coat, as my breath rose in plumes as I hurried to the tube. It felt cold, and fresh, and crisp, and good. I wrapped my scarf closer around me, hurrying to the warmth of the station.

Last week was spent in Rhodes. The weather was glorious, the company (Mama CupandSaucer) was phenomenal, and I spent the week unwinding, unknotting, calming, and returning to myself.

And then I came back to earth with the most phenomenal thud. Work this week has been extraordinary. I've had to put walls back up to maintain some semblance of sense. Numbers have been blocked from my mobile phone. The knots I spent a week removing are coming back.

This year has been... there are actually no words to explain what this year has been. For various family members, it has been the ultimate annus horribilis. Deaths, separations, depression, illness. It's all happened this year.

I was hoping the autumn might be a fresh start. And while today started with yet more challenging news, I'm determined that it still will be. I am working to remove toxicity from my life, to keep moving forwards, to enter the colder, darker days with a smile on my face. 

I am entering the later stages of this year with an improved awareness of who I am. Who I want by my side, in my team, fighting my corner. What I want. Where I see myself going. When these things might happen.Why I'm here.  How I can get there.

Alice is rising from the ashes, yet again. And as I look back on who I was at this time last year, and think about who I am now- there's no comparison. I'm fuller (though thinner), more whole (though with people missing), more myself. There's a line, from somewhere, which says I have already lost touch with a couple of people I used to be. And while I try to remember who I have been and where I have come from, it's true. I have lost touch with people I used to be. I remember them, affectionately, like the primary school friends you swapped friendship bracelets with- but I no longer am them, and they are no longer me.

But I'm here. Returning to London. Returning to reality. Back to earth with a bump. But standing tall, feeling strong, feeling supported. 

Feeling whole.

Tuesday, 8 September 2015


Change is afoot once again.

I did a difficult thing. I put myself first- selfishly- and took steps to do the things that will really make me happy. 

It's hard putting yourself first sometimes. 

I've spent a lot of my life diminishing myself for other people. Trying to squash myself into the shapes that they want me to be. Dimming my light, and bending to their will, and letting things go on their terms.

But I'm done.

I'm done, and I'm not doing that again. I understand that many people have not done this to me maliciously- and that in some cases, I have been willing to do it. But I can't, and I will not be doing anything other than the things that make me happy from hereon out. 

It's a process. This is an untrodden path, and a long one too. 

But I have incredible people by my side, holding my hands, taking each step of the way with me.

And sooner or later, it will be done.